... would still be Marty Schottenheimer (NOT the above Marty Mornhinweng but that part comes later.). But, since there's no chance in heck of that happening, I'll rank my top five of the rumored candidates, assuming it's not Holmgren himself, who would probably be number one on the list. I'll also give you the one guy I would not pick. (Hint: He used to wear a blue shirt.)
1. John Gruden would be my first choice. He is from nearby Sandusky, he has coached two teams to Super Bowls and won one. He is from the West Coast Offense style of play that is favored by team President Mike Holmgren and General Manager Tom Heckert. He has been away from coaching for a couple of years, and maybe has gained some perspective from the TV booth. He is probably the biggest name out there, though, and that will make him popular with other teams and also expensive.
2. Bill Cowher. Ha-ha. That's a good one. I am so funny. Funny me. Like they are going to hire Bill Cowher. But, just think, wouldn't that make Steeler week even better? Maybe he'd give the Browns some of the smash-mouth in your face swagger that would allow them to not get beat three times in one year, or by scores of 41-0, or 34-7, or 31-0, or 41-9.
3. Mike Mularkey used to be Cowher's offensive coordinator in Pittsburgh. I have said for a long time the Browns should play just like the Steelers. If they hired one of their former coaches, even if it wasn't Cowher, maybe he would understand what it takes to win in the AFC North. However, Mularkey's record in two years as Buffalo Bills head coach was 14-18. (Which, by the way, is better than 5-27, but that's also the part that comes later.)
4. I am intrigued by Pat Shurmur, but it's easy to be intrigued by someone who has never coached in the NFL. It's an interesting tie to Holmgren because Shurmur's dad was Holmgren's longtime defensive coordinator. But, he has a good resume of coaching quarterbacks, including San Bradford and Donovan McNabb. Would he be able to do the same with Colt McCoy? (First time NFL coaches sometimes struggle a lot. But, that's the part I'll get to later.)
5. John Fox is just a good all around coach who has been to the Super Bowl.
I really hope, however, the Browns don't hire the other Marty, Marty Mornhinweg. (This is the part I said I was getting to. Later is now.) He was awful with the Lions in 2001-2002, going 5-27. I have never seen a more clueless looking fellow on the sidelines of a professional NFL game, except maybe Rich Kotite. (Kotite, at least, had a few good years. Here are his win totals with Philadelphia and the Jets. Note they drop like a stone: 10, 11, 8, 7, 3, 1.) I don't care how well Michael Vick has played under Mornhinweg's tutelage, 5-27, even with a bad organization like the Lions, is still 5-27. Why should anyone think he is suddenly going to be good with another team that is, well, about as bad as the Lions?
That said, I offer my prediction: In a few weeks, the Browns will announce Marty Mornhinweng as their new head coach. I just have that feeling in my bones. A 5-27 record (or something like it) later, they will be looking for another coach. Some guys are meant to be coordinators. Some teams are meant to conduct coaching searches.
Guys who aren't said to be candidates, but wouldn't it be fun if they were: Marty Schottenheimer, Brian Billick (I have long felt the Browns blew it when they let him go to Baltimore), Marty Schottenheimer, Urban Meyer, Marty Schottenheimer, Jim Tressel, Marty Schottenheimer, bring Chris Palmer back and give him a real chance this time, Marty Schottenheimer, Dick Vermeil, Mike Ditka, Steve Mariucci, run-and-shoot offense specialist Mouse Davis or maybe even Marty Schottenheimer. Hey, I can dream, right?
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